Love Is Not What You Feel, It Is What You Practice

Nigerian proverb: “Love does not sit idle; it works with the hands.”
There is a quiet crisis in how we talk about love today. We talk about how it feels, how it excites us, how it overwhelms us, and sometimes how it disappoints us. 
We rarely talk about how it is practiced.
From movies to social media, love is sold as chemistry. 
Butterflies. 
Passion. 
Effortless connection. 
When those feelings dip, panic sets in. 

People begin to ask dangerous questions.

 Have I fallen out of love? 

Did I marry the wrong person?

 Is something wrong with me?

In many African cultures, those questions were not the starting point of marriage. 

Elders did not ask couples if they felt butterflies. 

They asked if they were ready. Ready to learn patience. 

Ready to work through conflict. Ready to take responsibility for another human being.

That wisdom matters now more than ever.
Love is not sustained by emotion alone. Emotions fluctuate.

 Skills endure.

The Illusion of Emotional Love
Emotions are real and important. Attraction matters. 

Affection matters. 

Desire matters.

 But emotions are unstable by nature. They respond to stress, hunger, fatigue, disappointment, money pressure, parenting demands, and unresolved wounds.
Anyone who has lived long enough knows this. 

You can love deeply and still feel irritated.

 You can feel connected today and distant tomorrow.

 If love depends only on emotion, then love becomes unreliable.
This is why so many relationships collapse when routine replaces novelty. 

People confuse the normal settling of emotion with the absence of love.

Erich Fromm, in The Art of Loving, warned against this confusion. He wrote that love is not something that happens to us, but something we do. According to him, love requires discipline, responsibility, care, respect, and knowledge. Without these, what people call love is often dependency or infatuation.

African societies understood this intuitively. 

Love was not passive. 

It was active. 

It showed up in provision, protection, loyalty, care for extended family, conflict resolution, and shared responsibility. 

Feelings mattered, but commitment carried the weight.

Anu and Emeka’s Story Begins
When Anu and Emeka got married, everything felt right. They were genuinely in love. 

Their conversations flowed easily. They laughed often. 

Friends admired their connection.
Six months into marriage, reality arrived quietly.
Work pressure increased. 

Bills appeared. 

Expectations clashed. 

Emeka came home tired and withdrawn. 

Anu felt lonely and unappreciated. The laughter reduced. 

The affection became inconsistent.
One evening, after another silent dinner, Anu finally asked, “Do you still love me?”
Emeka paused. He did not know how to answer. He loved her, but he did not feel the same excitement he felt before. 

That scared him.
Neither of them had the language to understand what was happening. They assumed love was disappearing, when in reality, love was asking to be practiced at a deeper level.

Love as a Skill Reframes Reality
When love is seen as a skill, everything changes.

A skill is something you learn, refine, and improve with time. No one expects mastery without practice. Yet many expect relationships to thrive without learning how to love well.

Love as a skill means understanding that feelings initiate connection, but behaviours sustain it. It means recognising that showing up matters more than feeling inspired. It shifts love from mood to commitment.

In Yoruba wisdom, character is emphasised over charm. A person is judged by consistency, not performance. This same principle applies to love. Consistency builds safety. Safety builds trust. 

Trust sustains intimacy.

Love is not proven by grand gestures alone. It is proven by daily choices. Listening when tired. Speaking honestly when uncomfortable. Showing care even when emotions fluctuate.

What We Lose When Love Is Only a Feeling
When love is treated purely as emotion, people become passive. They wait to feel motivated before acting. When the feeling disappears, effort stops.
This leads to resentment. One partner keeps trying while the other withdraws. Or both withdraw quietly and blame the relationship.
This emotional approach also creates unrealistic expectations. Partners expect each other to constantly meet emotional needs without learning how to communicate those needs clearly. Disappointment becomes personal. Conflict becomes threatening.

In Igbo culture, there is an understanding that growth requires endurance. Things worth keeping are maintained deliberately. Love was never assumed to run itself.
Love as a skill restores agency. It reminds people that connection can be strengthened intentionally. It shifts the focus from “How do I feel?” to “How am I showing up?”

Love Is Learned Through Practice
No one is born knowing how to love well. We learn from observation, culture, family patterns, and experience. Some of what we learn is healthy. 

Some is not.
Many people grew up seeing love expressed through silence, endurance, or control. Others saw love mixed with neglect or chaos. Without unlearning and relearning, people repeat these patterns unconsciously.

Bell hooks described love as care, commitment, trust, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. Each of these elements is a practice. None of them depend solely on emotion.
Care requires attention. 

Commitment requires choice. 

Trust requires consistency. Responsibility requires accountability. 

Respect requires boundaries. Knowledge requires curiosity and learning.
These are skills.

Returning to Anu and Emeka
Anu began to notice that she waited for Emeka to feel affectionate before she softened. Emeka realised he withdrew whenever he felt inadequate or overwhelmed.
Neither of them was wrong. 

They were unskilled.
When they stopped interpreting emotional distance as rejection and began seeing it as a signal for growth, something shifted. They started asking better questions. 

Not “Do you still love me?” but “How can we show love better right now?”

Love did not magically return. It was rebuilt through small, intentional actions.

Why This Matters Today
We live in a time where relationships are under pressure. 

Fast lives. 

High expectations. 

Limited emotional education.
Teaching love as a skill is not about removing romance. 

It is about grounding it. 

It is about giving people tools instead of illusions.
This reframing protects relationships from collapse during normal emotional seasons.

 It helps people stay present when love matures beyond excitement into depth.

Love as a skill also protects individuals from self-erasure. It reminds people that loving well does not mean losing yourself. 

It means growing yourself.

A Better Question to Ask
Instead of asking, “Do I feel in love today?” a better question is, “How am I practising love today?”
That question invites responsibility. It invites intention. It invites growth.
Love does not sit idle. It works with the hands.

Love begins with feeling, but it survives through practice.

 Emotions may open the door, but skills keep the house standing.
When people learn to love as a skill, relationships become less fragile and more honest. 

Conflict becomes informative instead of threatening. 

Distance becomes a call for presence, not panic.
Love is not magic.

 It is mastery.
And mastery is learned.

If this post resonates with you and you are navigating questions about love, relationships, or emotional clarity, comment LOVE below to book a free 15-minute clarity call. Let’s talk about where you are and what needs attention.

Yours truly