Listening Is Not Passive: Love as the Skill of Understanding

 “Wisdom is not in talking plenty, but in hearing well.”

Most people believe they are good communicators because they talk often. Very few ask a harder question: Do I listen well enough to understand, or only to respond?

Love does not break down because people stop talking. It breaks down because people stop listening with intent.

Listening is not passive. It is an active skill. And in love, it is one of the most demanding skills to master.

Why Talking Feels Easier Than Listening

Talking gives a sense of control. You get to shape the narrative, defend your position, and assert your needs.

 Listening, on the other hand, requires restraint. It requires curiosity. It requires setting aside your ego long enough to enter another person’s inner world.

Many of us were raised in environments where listening was selective. Children were told to listen, but adults were rarely modelled listening. Conversations were hierarchical, not mutual.

So we grew up knowing how to speak, argue, persuade, and insist, but not how to listen without interrupting, correcting, or preparing a counterargument.

Yet love demands more than expression. It demands comprehension.

Listening Versus Waiting to Talk

Most relationship conflicts are not disagreements. They are misunderstandings dressed up as disagreements.

One person speaks. The other hears words, but listens through their own fears, assumptions, and past wounds. Before the speaker finishes, the listener has already decided what the issue is.

Psychologist Carl Rogers emphasised that real listening involves suspending judgment and entering the speaker’s frame of reference. Without this, communication remains shallow.

Listening in love means asking, “What are they really saying beneath the words?”

Anu and Emeka: The Missed Meaning

After resolving their earlier emotional clash, Anu and Emeka thought they were doing better. Until another issue surfaced.

Anu said one evening, “I feel like we don’t spend enough quality time together.”

Emeka heard accusation. He heard, You are failing again.

He replied defensively, “I’m working hard for us. You know that.”

Anu felt dismissed. Emeka felt unappreciated. The conversation stalled.

Later, during a calmer moment, Emeka asked a different question. “When you say quality time, what does that look like for you?”

Anu paused. “It’s not about how long. It’s about presence. 

Phones away.

 No rushing.”

That one question changed everything.

The problem was never time. It was attention.

Listening as a Skill, Not a Personality Trait

People often say, “I’m just not good at listening.” That framing is misleading. Listening is not a personality trait.

 It is a trainable skill.

Skills improve with awareness and practice.

 Listening requires learning how to:

Stay present without interrupting

Ask clarifying questions instead of assuming

Reflect what you heard before responding

Tolerate discomfort without shutting down.

In many African communities, listening was deeply valued. Elders listened carefully before speaking, knowing that words carried weight. To speak without understanding was considered reckless.

Love thrives where listening is intentional, not incidental.

The Cost of Not Listening

When people feel unheard, they stop explaining. When they stop explaining, they start withdrawing. Withdrawal then gets mislabelled as distance, coldness, or lack of love.

But often, it is exhaustion.

Esther Perel notes that people do not want to be agreed with all the time. They want to be understood. Understanding builds dignity. Dignity sustains connection.

Without listening, love becomes a competition of voices instead of a meeting of minds.

Asking Better Questions

Listening improves when questions improve.

Closed questions shut down conversation. Leading questions corner the other person. Defensive questions escalate conflict.

Skilled listening uses open, neutral questions:

“What did that experience feel like for you?”

“What matters most to you in this situation?”

“What are you afraid might happen?”

These questions invite clarity rather than conflict.

Emeka learned that asking questions did not weaken his position. It strengthened the relationship.

Anu Learns to Listen Without Reacting

Anu also noticed her own pattern. When Emeka spoke about pressure at work, she rushed to offer solutions. She thought she was helping.

But one day, she simply listened.

She said, “That sounds heavy. I can hear how much responsibility you’re carrying.”

Emeka felt seen. No fixing was needed. Presence was enough.

Listening did not solve the problem. It softened the space between them.

Listening Builds Emotional Safety

When people feel listened to, they relax. Defensiveness lowers. Honesty increases.

Emotional safety is built not by agreeing, but by understanding.

This is why listening is central to love as a skill. Without it, emotional regulation collapses and communication turns performative.

Love becomes safer when both partners trust that they will be heard fully, even when there is disagreement.

Cultural Silence Versus Intentional Listening

It is important to distinguish silence from listening.

Silence can be avoidance. Silence can be fear. Silence can be emotional withdrawal.

Listening is active.

 It engages.

 It reflects.

 It clarifies.

Many couples confuse silence for peace. But unspoken issues do not disappear. 

They wait.

African wisdom valued dialogue. Matters were discussed openly in councils, not buried. Love needs the same courage.

Love is not sustained by how well you speak, but by how deeply you listen.

Listening is not passive. It is disciplined attention. It is curiosity without judgment. It is the willingness to be changed by what you hear.

Anu and Emeka did not become perfect communicators. But they learned to listen better. And in listening, they found understanding.

When love is treated as a skill, listening becomes a daily practice, not a personality flaw.

Wisdom is not in talking plenty, but in hearing well.

If this post reflects a gap you are noticing in your relationships and you want clarity on how to improve communication and listening patterns, comment LOVE to book a free 15-minute clarity call. Let’s talk through it.

Yours truly