THE ACT OF TRUE BELONGING

 One of mine favourite quotes is from Brene Brown, a foremost social scientist and researcher on "Shame and Vulnerability" She said and I quote " True belonging doesn't require that we change who we are ,it requires that we be who we are".

Oh! My gosh!

This quote resonated with me and reminded  me of teenage years ,when I suffered from "belonging issues". I grew up in a religious home where my parents attended  a church that had a dress code where wearing make up, jewelery, hats, loud colors ,high heel, or straightening hair  was prohibited, infact it was termed sinful.

By the time I was 14 years old, I began to internally resent this church and their doctrines. Ofcourse my mother didn't want any of my complaints. I secretly began to attend another church and found out that I could wear all those prohibited stuff or not wear them and still feel comfortable in that church, I discovered my dressing never really mattered.

One issue I had as a teenage was low self esteem,I felt not beautiful, not enough and I didn't love myself. So attending another church that didn't discriminate or judged me for not looking like them was comforting, I was made to feel beautiful and welcomed.

It was such an awesome feeling to attend a church that allowed me wear what I want , I could sing ,dance and be happy with people who truly cared. I knew this was the church I wanted to belong. It was pretty tough convincing my mom I wanted to switch church but when she  saw how happy I had become, she allowed me.

I am quite certain that there are lots of teenagers who can relate to my story. So the quest to belong is a primordial need in human especially teenagers trying to find out who they are, it's important we assist teenagers on their belonging issues.

I will not forget when Brene Brown said this at an interview " Belonging is being part of something bigger than yourself, it is also the courage to stand alone and to belong to yourself above all else".

One of the primal needs as human is to belong and feel accepted and loved but more often than not ,do we go all out to fit in to belong or feel wanted  at the expense of who we are.

Do you know the opposite of belonging is fitting in and do you even realize that everytime you try to fit in you end up losing yourself and become resentful. When you fit in to be accepted  you invariably betray yourself.

Fitting in is about doing all it takes to go against who you are and become a different person just to belong,of course it's different from compromise which allows you sometimes to bend over to accommodate other varying views but when you try to fit in; your authentic self is not presented,you aren't being vulnerable, you hide your true feelings and by all means doing all it takes to be accepted.

The consequences is that you are lying to yourself, you will at some point become resentful , bitter, not enough, unworthy, lacking confidence and compassion and feeling frustrated.

According to Brene Brown " True belonging only happens when we present our authentic imperfect selves to the world".

I believe that you owe yourself the sole responsibility to be you at all times, to also accept that it's ok to be alone ,stand out ,be different,be unique or odd, that is called self respect.

One of the statement that has intrigued me  was the steps Brene Brown outlined to experience True Belonging was the BRAVING TECHNIQUE.

B- Boundaries, true belonging respects boundaries. You are bold to say this is what I want and don't want and I will respect yours.

R- Reliability, which simply shows  you do what you say you are going to do. We have to be clear on our limitation.

Accountability - which is about owning up to your mistakes, apologize and fix it.

V-Vault ,this is crucial because it's about deciding not to share personal tales of another because when you share other people's tales , your trust capacity diminishes.

Integrity- You need to come to a point where you decide courage over comfort. Simply put you are committed to stand by the truth irrespective of any outcome.

N- Non- Judgemental, which is about not writing off people over an incidence. I can fall apart and ask for help and be in a struggle,without being judged by you and I should do the same to you.

G- Generosity,Is a state of mind where you presume good about situations . If you can assume the most generous thing about my words, intentions and behaviours you won't take my ill action personal and then check in with me. Because more often we presume wrongly when we don't have all the details. It's safe to just think of the good aspect so you don't get weighed down.

Finally this was my "Aha Moment" when Brene Brown said, "Stop walking through  the world looking for confirmation that you don't belong . You will always find it because you have made that your mission.

"Stop Scouring at people's faces for evidence that you are not enough , you will always find it because you have made that your goal."

True belonging and self worth are not goods we negotiate their values with the world.

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Xoxo!